A collection

[Mazda Mender]

Sent to me by e-mail from our buddy jimmy on the other side of the world.....


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy..

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of fools saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse It!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his sandwiches had been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
" Sure 'tis it not obvious.... I'm sending a voicemail !"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[blackyb]

A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street

dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on
the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked,
'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
Instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,

My parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home
with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the pr*ck
who ran over my FROG!'

[Badknee]

Blacky, that made me pmsl, very funny.

[blackyb]

Your welcome.

Got a few more I can stick up once I have read them trough and made sure they are suitable to publication

[blackyb]

Not easily understood unless tha speaks Yorkshire



Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"





A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."





A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "D'ya want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"





The last is always the best ...........

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ar*e cream?"

Chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[blackyb]

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks, Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[blackyb]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern,

Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mum fainted.

[blackyb]

A teacher asked her Third Grade Class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, ”Alligator."

”Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."

“ Yes, that's another big word Alan Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“ Well my sister has one and she says it eats bloody batteries like there's no tomorrow!"